my faves

you got one chance to come clean, bruno. it's here, marcel. I swear it. you better be tellin' the truth. otherwise. . . no, it's true. it's here. I'll find it. it better be soon. ok. gimme a half hour. you got 10 minutes. I suggest you start moving. I gotta ask. what if I can't find it? I advise you not to even think of that possibility. no? it scares, even me. and I don't scare easy. you are a tough guy, marcel. that's what my momma says. yeah, she told me that last night.

damn it, I have to go to the dentist. so? what's the big deal? he's gonna drill. man, I hate that. just remember: no pain, no gain. right? easy for you to say, you toothless wonder. just part of my plan to simplify all things. it definitely helps your smile. you really think so? not so much. close your mouth.

what are you working on today, herr doktor? my new project, my boy, having to do with string. . . . string theory? great! the end of particle physics! yes, well, you see. . . you've made a new breakthrough? well, in a sense. a new theory of relativity, no doubt? er. . . doktor, you are a genius! yes, well, see, I have a this nice ball of string. see? a ball of string? why are you showing me that? it's all in one ball. what does this have to do with quantum field theory? nothing! but the cat likes to play with it. the cat? isn't she cute? totally.

hey marco, you seen eddie? no, wasn't he with you? I thought so, but. . . but what? well, you see that thing over there? what, that. . . petrified thing? yeah. I swear it wasn't here 5 minutes ago. it just. . . appeared. like from out of the sand? c'mon! ok, don't believe me. but where's eddie? I dunno! he was with you! yeah, but he ain't here now. what are you saying? you saying that thing. . . like, ate eddie? can't be. right? you are losing it, man. I'm gonna look for him. hold on. did that thing just move? shit! wait up. I feel like walking. me too.

I suggest you don't get any closer. why? it's a bunch of rocks. you go over there, you're not coming back. what're you talking about, man? it all started here. it's like a black hole. say what? I'm just telling you. be warned. don't go there. put down the crack pipe, dude. be real. I'll inform your friends. maybe they'll miss you. hey, I'm not going anywhere. say hello to ralph. you'll be joining him. I don't know any ralph. you will.

where are we? I dunno. we'll follow these tracks. which way though? we'll flip a coin. maybe we'll get lucky. I'm broke. you got any change? shit! I'm out too. ok, you choose. I say we go that way. are you nuts? we need to go THAT way, man. you said I get to choose! yeah, until you chose wrong.

pardon me, sir, but what is this place? why, this is the west. the west? the west of what? it's the great American west. are you lost? the American west? in what quadrant is that? quadrant? I don't rightly know wait a minute. isn't this Altair-4? Altair. . . what did you say? this is the Andromeda system, isn't it? Andromeda? where on god's green earth is that? Earth? are you shitting me? I'm on. . . Earth? well, yes. great. I'm on fucking Earth. just great! whoa, take it easy there buster. actually, we like it here. of course you do. we designed it for cretins. pardon me? I knew that asteroid belt would throw me off! I should have never over-ridden the ion drive! shit! I don't know nothing about no asteroids or ion drives, but how about a nice cup of coffee? fine, whatever. the Council will have my 2nd head for this. hell, maybe all 3 of them. you, uh, take it with cream? no, hot and black. just like my woman. funny. where'd you hear that one? we've been monitoring your sophomoric transmissions for years. how does that joke rate? It's one of our favorites, actually. good to know.

are we safe here? we should be, we're 7 levels below the surface. what's it like up there? burnt to a cinder, I expect. a nuclear wasteland. shit! so how long do we have to stay here? oh, 50 or 100 years. oh my god! what are we gonna do? what do you want to do? well, you know what I want to do. so let's do it. is it allowed? I won't tell if you don't. deal.

what's this, boris? it's a subpoena, comrade. a subpoena? from who? you're being called before the workers' committee on internal security and morality. I am? what'd I do? well, let me ask you. have you been watching any james bond movies lately? I suppose. I thought so. it's your blog, comrade. my blog? what about it? let's just say that some interested parties don't like you calling it 'pussy galore.' oh, they don't? not so much. oh.

And so this is Christmas For weak and for strong For rich and the poor ones The world is so wrong And so happy Christmas For black and for white For yellow and red ones Let's stop all the fight A very merry Christmas And a happy New Year Let's hope it's a good one Without any fear.

hey boss, I need a break to, you know. . . go ahead. but don't try and use the bathroom. what? but I gotta go! bathroom's temporarily out of commission. so call a plumber. a plumber can't fix this. in fact, he broke it. the plumber broke the bathroom? well, his head did. with a little help. tough job, being a plumber. very tough.

what is it, edwards? it's a signal. I think. far away, but closing. is it one of us? definitely not. it's nothing I ever heard before. could be french then. yeah, probably.

is it safe? no, sir. radiation levels are way beyond toxic. fuckin' bugs. they'll think twice before they try and invade again. yeah, but look at the devastation it left us with. yeah. fuckin' bugs.

I sometimes miss the royal family. what are you talking about? they fed off the people. maybe. but even so, they had a certain. . . charm. charm my ass. they kept us in the mud for centuries. yes, I suppose we're much better off now, comrade. of course we are. look around. it's a workers' paradise. yes, I'm sure you're right. and you can move up in the committee. yeah? then what? then you are rewarded, of course. what's that got to do with the working class? initiative, my boy. it just takes initiative. that's bullshit. it's all about ass-kissing. I wouldn't say that too loudly, I was you. I say it every chance I get. to the party chairman. no way. my uncle. as bureaucratic as they come. I'm sure he appreciates your insight. that's what family's all about. truly.

when was the last time you prayed? I dunno. you? when my girlfriend was over. I pray at her altar. yeah? and this reminded you of her? how'd you know? just a guess.

can you believe they want to raise our taxes? unreal. it's total class warfare, is what it is. this commie wealth redistribution has to stop. I mean, I may have to sell one of my airplanes. too horrible to even consider. say, I don't believe we've been introduced. oh, I just saw this fancy party, and wandered in. how interesting. you weren't actually invited? no, and it will be more interesting once you give me your wallet. my. . . what did you say? I'm taking this wealth redistribution thing literally. so it appears. nice and easy now. my little friend here gets nervous. your little. . . oh. I see. wouldn't want that. the watch and ring too, if you don't mind. not at all. that's the spirit.

how are you today, lord? busy, archangel. so many prayers to consider. humans do pray a lot, don't they. some do. and the things they ask for. always amazing. as if I'm their banker, or matchmaker. silly, isn't it? I gave them free will. I wish they'd use it. me too. but I've decided: I'm switching to an iPhone. really? yes. they can text me from now on. text you? then I can just delete them. don't tell them I said so. they won't hear it from me, lord. good

earth is warming, lord. so I've heard, archangel.humans have been trying to ignore the issue. they won't be able to do so much longer though, will they. no, but that's up to them. by the way, the new world I'm creating will never have those problems. the denizens will be self-regulating. how so, lord? simple. I've embedded a code into the cytoplasm of all living things, to prevent the kind of hard-headed self-defeating stupidity that humans can't seem to overcome. I'm ready to launch it, although it will have to percolate for a few thousand generations. good thing we have time, isn't it lord? time, yes. one of my weirder creations. good for knowing when the next football game is being played. true. not that I bet on them, of course. of course not, lord.