my faves

well that was totally delicious. that's funny, I didn't know you liked cat food. what? you told me it was tuna! well, I'm sure there was some of that in there too. ok, then you lick my fingers. I thought you'd never ask.

and so God got totally sick of mankind, right? he told Noah he's gonna destroy the earth, and all living creatures dwelling under the heavens. yeah, cattle, fowl, crawling creatures, all that. so he makes it rain 40 days and 40 nights, right? and the earth is flooded for months and months, because God wants to wipe out all living things. except those on the ark, of course. yeah, and fishes. whaddya mean, fishes? well, Noah didn't bring fishes onto the ark, did he? don't think so. but fishes ain't gonna die in no flood, are they? no. but why would God want to kill fishes anyway? same reason he wants to kill dogs and cats and chickens. whatever that is. but not fishes, obviously. it's logically inconsistent. it vexes me. well, he saved humans and animals too, didn't he? yeah, and why? didn't he regret creating humans? yeah, he did. so why give them a 2nd chance? how the hell should I know? he's god, not me. well, he should have thought through this ark thing more. you tell him that. now finish your drink. ok. but it's your turn to pick up the check. that's what you said last time, you weasel. whatever.

they're all loaded. good. hit the road. we've got a lot of deliveries tonight. yeah. fresh pods. for fresh humans. they'll never know what happened. right. they're asleep. asleep and unaware. ok, get going. we still have work to do. by next week, this planet will be ours. go on. we're not done yet.

play something for me, will you? what would you like to hear? oh, something uplifting and hopeful. you mean ironic, in other words. you might say that. I just did.

man, when will this fog ever lift? what gives you the idea that this is fog, son? well, I don't know. . . it looks like fog. it's them. make no mistake. they're here. them? it's gonna be a battle of civilizations, count on it. but. . . to the winner goes the spoils. in this case, earth. what are you talking about? you doubt me? just take a walk down the beach. there? you won't come back. at least not in human form. it can't be. stay and watch. it's definitely gonna be messy. but I'm on vacation! yeah. reality sucks, doesn't it? totally.

stanley, what is that awful sound? what's that, dear? from down the tracks. like a million insect wings beating at once. ridiculous. say, something's coming out of the woods. oh my god! stanley, what are those things? edna, get back in the house and don't come out no matter what. stanley! they're HUGE!!! edna, do as I say! run!! and grab all the Raid you can find.

stanley? what is that man doing? what man, dear? see? in that window? stanley! that man isn't wearing pants! put the binoculars down, edna.

we have a new assignment for you, agent 22. swell. what is it? we have been getting reports from our american friends. . . what did they manage to screw up now? they've lost one of their best agents. who? agent 38-24-36. her? she would be hard to misplace. nevertheless, they can't locate her. you are to do so. and when I do? de-brief her. I'll try. except that she usually doesn't wear briefs. RIP Jimmy 10/27/47 - 8/11/12 I love you

hey, paulie, how do we get out of here? whaddya mean? we just arrived. I know. I got a bad feeling about this place, that's all. how come? can't you just enjoy the sunset like everyone else? you mean, like those 2 over there? who? the 2 guys in blue. as in cops. hey, forget about them. they're on vacation. they're cops. they give me heartburn. you always did worry too much. yeah, well I'm still here to talk about it, ain't I? you make that sound like it's a good thing. hey! don't start! yeah, ok. have another donut. I think I will. nice sunset, isn't it? yeah. nice.

get in. why? where we going? don't worry about it. just get in. maybe I don't wanna get in. trust me. you do. you really do. give me a hint. see that back seat? ever see one that sweet before? hmmm. I receive your meaning. so? what are we waiting for? drive.

watcha wanna do today, marty? I dunno, mikey. watchoo wanna do? wanna steal some h-bomb secrets? again? nah, I can't. mom says I gotta be home. yeah. me too I guess. tomorrow though? ok, sure.

how are we getting there? we'll take the canoe. across the lake? it's not that far. will you paddle? sure. ok, hand me my pillow? and my drink, thanks. my pleasure, beautiful.

they're up there. where? in the church. no way. they wouldn't dare. it's true. i can smell 'em. get the ropes. we'll go in from above. not a problem. just keep me covered. remember, they don't have eyes. they see radio waves. well turn off your iphone then. good idea.

where am I? earth. what year is it? 2006. no way. it's true. my god. 50 years. what do you mean? since I was taken down there. what happened? don't ask. you don't want to know.

centurion! I smell humans. what is our status? the first wave of troops is ready, sire. deploy. and remember: no prisoners. but plenty to eat, correct, master? ha ha. yes. plenty of human meat. my mandibles are oozing viscous methane at the thought. a good look for you, o wise one, if I may so bold as to say so. stuff your bulging eye stalks back in your crusty little thorax, centurion, and get what humans would call your ass moving. yes, sire. strange body part, the ass. it's a mystery to me.

your audience awaits you. man, I can't do it. what do you mean? you're on! I can't go out there. you can do it! you're brilliant! you'll be great! It's just too much. I can't handle it. why not? I just think that burlesque is a dying art. nonsense! look at them! waiting out there! and these giant feathers? it's ridiculous. you use what you were born with. I know, but whoever heard of a stripping chicken? don't get your beak in a bunch. go lay an egg. easy for you to say. those roosters will love you, henny penny. maybe the sky will fall on them. now don't start that again.

that's him. him? you sure? he seems so. . . I dunno, small. that's because you're up on a roof, you dope. the guy's huge. oh. yeah. so now what? he'll be in there an hour. when we get the signal from joey, we make our move and grab the truck. what's the signal? geez! are you still asleep or something? he'll text us. try to keep up. ok ok! hey, my phone's beeping. is that the signal? lemme see. what the fuck is this? did you order a pizza? oh, yeah. I did. I forgot to pick it up. how are we supposed to get joey's signal, if you got a pizza joint bugging us? c'mon. how was I supposed to know? all right, dammit. you better go pick it up. ok. be right back. ok if I pick up a beer while I'm out? shit. make it two. might as well get something out of this screwy operation.

sir! sector 9 is not secure! unacceptable, sergeant. you hear me? yes, sir! you go room by room if you have to. right, sir! you flush out the enemy. we do not retreat. not now. not ever. got that? got it, sir! and watch where you aim those paintballs. sir? I just got this outfit back from the cleaners, and do not want it dirty. they did a nice job, didn't they? yes sir! awesome, sir!