California

hey, buddy. got any spare change? you're panhandling in the woods? just following the money. but wouldn't you do better in the city? yeah, but I'm a nature lover. yes, so am I. and I really love nature when I've got a few bucks.

he went in there. what do you want we should do about it? you follow him. where are you gonna be? going to find a latte. sounds good. if there's one down that way. I ain't climbing.

seems like a nice enough day, doesn't it, sal? we're not here for the weather, rico. why are we here anyway? nice place like this? we're waiting for a guy. when he shows up, we move. is he bringing something for us? no, but we got something to deliver to him. yeah? what? something in a very small package. how small? exactly .44 caliber, is how small. he ain't gonna like that. well, at least he got a nice day for it. yeah. pretty nice day.

that's a big wall you got there. mind if I try and walk through it? not at all, you think you can do it. it's only a bunch of atoms. mostly empty space. same as you and me, know what I mean? it's a stone wall. it's going to hurt. you have any physical evidence of that? did once. but I learned that lesson early. the hard way, I take it? unfortunately.

what is it, herr doktor? my boy, we've reached the zenith of man's ingenuity! no kidding. this? it's just a bunch of tiles. all but one, my boy. so be careful what you touch. you mean, something's hidden in here? hidden in plain sight. my own invention. what do you do, push them? not that one! oh my god! what did I just do? do? you ordered a blonde! I was working on brunettes! that sounds like a good problem to have. I'll try and live with it.

are you awake, stanley? yes, edna. what a dream I was having. oh? a good dream? it was the end of the world. how awful! what happened? I didn't see you there. no? where was I? I think you skipped town. not that I could blame you. then what happened? my girlfriend and I made out. girlfriend! stanley! a dream, edna. a dream. but. . . a girlfriend? then the world ended. good thing too. I'm going back to sleep now. already? yeah. gotta find that girl.

grab a board, dude. good 8-footers out there. I don't know, man, could get kinda hairy. you're not gonna make me do this alone, are you? no, but this is charlie's beach! charlie don't surf! seems to me I've heard that somewhere before. could be.

lord, a moment of your time? hello, archangel. what can I do for you? your creatures from arcturus are visiting earth, lord. you called them 'creatures? well, you know I can't relate to them. I made them, archangel. yes, but those hideous tentacles, and exoskeletons, and, and. . . try walking in their shoes, for once, archangel. they don't wear shoes! they have no feet! I meant that rhetorically, of course. slithering mucousy globules! I don't know WHAT the heck they are! respect others, archangel, remember? lord, they are about as 'other' as you can get. yes, I was on a bit of a binge when I made them, I guess. lord, when you go on a binge, you go all the way. thanks, I think.

the enemy is on the move, corporal. intelligence says there's millions of 'em. they do, sir? foreign invaders who want to destroy our civilization. well I'm not gonna let 'em. are the charges set? they are, sir, but. . . blow the bridge when they reach mid-point. blow the bridge? the golden gate? you heard me. but. . . are you sure, sir? I mean, it's a national treasure! you want to lose your humanity son? your family? your very soul? no sir. I don't. but. . . war is too important to be left to the politicians. I can no longer sit back and allow the communists to infiltrate, indoctrinate and subvert us, to sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids. no sir. of course not, sir. but don't you mean 'commuters,' sir? what's that? you said 'communists.' aren't the people coming over the bridge. aren't they, you know, commuters? sir? hell, don't try and confuse me with rhetoric! blow that fucking bridge. yes sir. right away sir.

this is it, men. the final battle. we're ready, sir. you'll have to call on all of your training to survive. we will, sir. nobody be a hero. we're in this together. got it? got it, sir. ok. today is my last test. then I retire. you'll go out on top sir. maybe, but these bake sales can be extremely intense. we'll make our quota, sir. ok, let's roll. I know the pressure's on, but keep your hands off that chocolate frosting.

where are you going? nowhere. and everywhere. what do you mean? I walk the earth. well, so do I. but usually to get somewhere. besides. I don't have a car. ok, well, call me when you get. . . wherever. you want to just drive me? hop in. let's go. that's more like it.

we better hurry, ed, we're gonna be late. just a second, leo. I'm trying to enjoy the view. ed, the view will be here. but if we don't move, we won't. hold it, will ya? I think I just spotted a black-bellied whistling duck! my first one! you'll be whistling on your belly we don't get going. it distresses me, leo, how you fail to appreciate the finer things in life. me too. I got an obsession with breathing. know what I mean? yes. quite reasonable, actually.

damn. the sun's in my eyes. here. put these on. but they're not sunglasses. no, but maybe they'll get you to shut up. how will they do that? cause if they don't, this gag will.

good evening herr doktor, how are you? ah, there you are my boy. just in time. oh? just in time for what? you can help me test the durability of convent gardening outfits. here, put this on. but doktor, this is a nun's habit. you want me to wear it? it's all in the name of science my boy. and the owner of this? doesn't she miss it? not at all. she was with me last night. what? I mean, she has a very giving and charitable spirit.

hey, jake, what's up? oh hi, mel. I'm test firing the cannons today. make sure they work. cannons? we have cannons here? what the hell for? well, you know. this is a fort. we have to guard the bay. like from invasion and stuff. dude! this is the 21st century! cannons? we have an air force, and missiles and shit! really? the major didn't mention that to me. just said test the cannons. ok, you do that. I'm going to get a latte and take a walk across the bridge. you want anything? no, I'm good. what's a latte? forget it. try not to drop any cannon balls on your feet. tell me about it. that would suck. truly.

stanley, did the servants water the grass today? jeeves saw to it, edna. I love our backyard. me too dear. when will the new wall be installed? soon, edna. one must remain vigilant in these times. thank god I have you stanley. you do, dear. you do.

what's with the wet suit, roy? hey, dwayne. I'm going for a swim tonight. yeah? yeah. across the bay. what? in the dark? that's crazy! how will you see? I'll be lighting the way with my phone. but that's just. . . lunacy, right? maybe you should charge the phone first. hey, good idea! don't mention it.

hey buddy, you can't park here. gee, officer, I'm just running in to pick up something. doesn't matter. you can't park here. well, can you drive around the block while I go in? you want me to drive your car? how about it? that's a little unusual. and buy yourself a coffee. I'll pay. yeah? and a bagel for me while you're at it, with cream cheese. you sure I can't get you anything else? nah, that should do it.