My Life Is in Ruins

how are you today, lord? hello, archangel. what's up? your people need you more than ever, lord. which people? on earth, lord. remember it? yes,I was still experimenting with the creation thing then. right. well, the humans' time is about up there. you think? yes, they've over-populated and stripped the planet. too bad for them. I gave them brains. let them fix it. they can't agree on anything, lord. then they'll end up in the toilet, won't they? they need guidance. oh, ok. send a few messengers. carry my word. what should they tell humankind? just this: wise up or die. how's that? simple. direct. will they understand? you mess with my trees, my rivers, watch out. yes, lord. I am no god to be fooled with, no way. of course, lord. only idiots crap in the bed in which they sleep. now go. I'm working on this 4th dimension thing. oh? yeah, they're gonna love it on arcturus. they will sing your praises, I'm sure. whatever. but those humans? you tell them: they break it, they own it. yes lord.

don't go in there. don't do it. why not? I want to see what's there. ok, but you've been warned. I'll be right back. that's what you think

I'm here for my truck. it's about time. that thing's been here a while. yeah, well, I've been busy. doing what? trying to improve my attitude. how's that working out for you? it's a new morning. that's all I can say. well, maybe it is for you. your truck? don't think so. it is a little tired looking, isn't it. I guess 15 years in one place'll do that. your attitude must have needed a lot of improving. it did. it certainly did.

we go room-by-room. got it, sarge. and we don't use doorways. go through the walls. check. set the charges. let's rock and roll.

what time's the next shuttle? you just missed it. next one's in a week. a week! I can't wait that long! sorry, bud. I gotta get off this rock! are there any other flights? just one. but that's the garbage scow to oberon. I'll take it. even a garbage planet beats this place. stay clear of the micro-organisms. they'll pick you clean. no kidding? they don't get live ones all that often. got it.

sonny around? who shall I say is calling? it's eddie. it's about a job. you have a job for sonny? no, it's about a job sonny was supposed to do. supposed to? yeah. supposed to, but didn't. he here? hmmm. actually I think he just left. out the back. that's ok. I'll wait. here? yeah. you don't mind, do you? of course not. make yourself at home. I would do that, but this don't look like no home to me. it's been a tough winter. yeah, I can see that. maybe more than 1 winter. you could be right.

vern! I found the perfect place for my new luxury hotel! really lars? here? totally! a perfect location! if you say so. and there'll be free zombies in every room! good plan, lars. really excellent. it gonna have a name? yeah! I wrote it down. see? hmmm. yeah. actually, I think that could work.

you want to inspect the latest weapons shipment, general? looks like used auto parts to me, son. that's the beauty of it, sir. the enemy will think so too. yeah? then what? then, blam! sir. no more enemy. I like that concept, boy. keep it up. got it, sir.

send a signal. all forces are aligned and ready. but, sir, the bugs have jammed all of our communications. don't bother me with details, son, just do it. sir! the bugs! they're massing! dammit, where, private? sir, in the basement! they're coming up the air shafts! break out the particle beam disintegrators, now boy. my god! there's millions of 'em, sir! we're cut off! hand me that weapon. and where's my cigar? we're gonna have some fun tonight

edna, I'm going out for a walk. taking the dog, with you? no, he likes to run, and I can't keep up. you don't have to keep up. just let him go. yes, but then I have nobody to talk to. you talk to the dog? he's quite literate, you know. is he? for example, all I know about keynesian theory, I learned from him. and here I thought he was only good at fetching sticks. his college major. but he minored in economics. we're lucky to have him, i guess. I know. he turned down a professorship. just for us? imagine! yes, but he still likes to sniff other dogs' asses. in between lectures, I hope. let's hope.

this is where we're meeting gino? yeah. and the boss says don't be late. geez, it's huge. where we meetin' him? I dunno. first we gotta figure out how to get in. yeah, there ain't exactly a valet. no room service either.

I'm moving in here. check it out. are you nuts? the place is a bombed out toxic nightmare. right up my alley then. well, don't expect me to come over for dinner. when you do, you can bring the beer. I'm telling you, man, it's not gonna happen. see you at the housewarming party. you're gonna have a party? here? yeah, and your girlfriend's coming. my. . . ok, I'll bring the beer. now you're talkin'.

such a waste. couldn't they have saved it? people don't think that way. if it's old, it goes. what about us? we're old. I think you already know the answer to that. shit. shit is right. and by the way, you're definitely older than me.

sire, think the humans will buy that title? cookie oven? ha ha. all those stupid humans ever think about is their sugar. they have no idea that this is in fact a weapon of mass destruction. ha ha! well, they'll soon find out, won't they. yes. launch the missiles now! yes sire. care for some candy? oh yes. I like candy. me too, sire. stupid humans.

o fearless leader, we bow to your magnificence. bow all you like, slave. I'm hungry. where's my cookies? your sycophant, marvin, ran out to the store for some. well he better get back here soon. I have a craving. we worship your cravings, o horrible one. speaking of which, where's what's her name? you mean, sally, lord? yeah, her. get her over here. tell her to wear that cute little number. you know, the one I like. with the polka dots? yeah. oh man, it's totally irresistible. and goes perfect with cookies. if you say so, o voracious one.

you know there's rats in there. yeah? what's your point? I wouldn't wanna work in a place has rats. so don't. they don't bother me none. give me the creeps. thing is, the guys are looking for a 4th for poker. oh, well, that would make a difference. that's how I look at it.

why'd you want to meet here? I dunno. it feels safe. it's an underpass, fer chrissakes. so? you scared? nah, but it gives me the creeps. well, that rat joey, he gives me the creeps too. don't worry about him, boss. he'll get his. yeah? when? what time you got? almost 3. joey's sayin' his prayers, right about now. yeah? yeah. but they ain't gonna be answered. you're a good boy, solly, you know that? c'mon boss. let's get a drink. yeah. let's drink to joey. to his memory. the rat.

you ready? hop in. where we goin'? it's a surprise. you'll like it. no I won't. I don't like surprises. you'll like this one. how do you know? it's all set up for you. you won't believe it. is it safe? absolutely. don't worry about a thing. that what you said last time. I was terrified. yeah, but now I really mean it. right. now I'm scared. actually, I don't really blame you.