There are times when I just can't be bothered taking photographs. When commenting on other people's is just too much for me. When going to the shops or just going up or down stairs is more than I can face. When I was young and busy my idea of heaven was to recline on a sofa and read all day, every day. Well, they say be careful what you wish for. Here I am with exactly what I dreamed of and, like the old woman who lived in a vinegar bottle, I'm not happy.
It's about ten years now since I developed osteoarthritis and getting on for six since I had a knee replacement. One of my friends had two knee replacements at about the same time and is skipping up and downstairs like a spring lamb. Me ? I've been in continuous pain since the operation. My walking is marginally better but the amount of pain I am in is worse.
My record with hospitals is pretty poor. An elbow operation went wrong twice so I didn't have high hopes for the knee. No doubt I should have gone back at the beginning but I kept away. I used a good local physiotherapist instead. Last year however I got so fed up I went back to see the consultant or, at least, one of his team. My knee was X-rayed, checked for infection and I was told that all was well there were no problems. We went over what I was doing, exercises etc. but I was already doing all they would suggest. Painkillers came up but quickly faded away when I said that most didn't work for me and the remainder made me sick. I was told that 25% of people who have knee replacements get no benefit and a second knee replacement doesn't help.
So there I am stuck on the sofa reading books. I do exercises, I walk. I try to increase the distance very gradually and slowly. This works for a while then overnight, I'm in severe pain and back to the beginning. Swimming is a disaster it takes weeks to recover from. Don't mention cycling. Gardening hurts. Even using a sewing machine. I'm beginning to feel that going on holiday is a waste of money as I am so limited in what I can do and where I can go. It's the same with photography.
Compared to some I know I am lucky. I'm not hard up. I can drive. I'm not completely disabled. My heart goes out to those who are. What difficulties they face.
My difficulty I think is refusing to adapt. Friends say I am like a terrier. When any problem arises I sink my teeth in and worry at it until I've pulled it apart. I don't let go. This time I think I need to let go. But I'm not sure if I can.
The latest knee episode was five weeks ago and is the worst yet. So far there's no improvement. The only walking is round the supermarket leaning on a trolley. And I've been forced to realise I don't know what to do. Throughout my life I've pretty well always had a plan.
Nevertheless I'm surprisingly cheerful. I'm using a kitchen timer to remind me to get up and move around the house regularly. Gardening is being done in little ten minute sessions. A bit of hand sewing too. And I'm waiting. Waiting to see what happens and for a new direction to reveal itself. Maybe the time for a change has come.